Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFCT)
How did we get here?
We fell in love. We shared so many special moments. We have albums full of photos, a drawer full of birthday cards – all of that is true. So how did we get to this place where, sometimes or often, it feels like we are on opposing teams?
There is that repetitive conversation that makes me think: Here we go again. Or a tone of voice that feels like I just can’t seem to get things right for you. Or a look on your face that tells me that you’re not getting me. The harder I try to help us connect in those moments, the worse it seems to get. And life’s circumstances aren’t making it any easier.
I’m not quite sure what happened to us – but I want you to know that I’m doing my best and I really want us to be OK. We deserve better.
What will therapy be like?
If you decide to give therapy a go, this is what sessions with me look like. Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFCT) is a process. At home, you have had many rounds of those same hard moments not going well. Together, we will work on giving you a different experience, so the numbers can start changing in your favour: less failure, more success. Less misunderstanding, more clarity and connection.
In sessions, you talk to me and you also talk to each other. This gives you practice – a lived experience, right here and now, of how to be together in these tough moments. I know you already try to apply many strategies: listen to your partner, explain what you meant, suggest a fix, give space, get curious. You can do all this successfully when your relationship is calm. The thing is, when the stakes get high and you get that message that something is off between you, those tools-for-the-good-times won’t save you. In triggered moments, we can’t pull these skills off. Nobody can.
In EFCT therapy, you will get help right in the very moment when things are happening. Instead of being sent home to figure it out on your own, we practice in session. That’s why you are here and it’s important that you feel that I’ve got your back. As you explore what is going on for you and your partner, as you take the risk and try new conversations, I am right here with you.
Where can therapy lead us?
There are different changes you might notice as we move through the process. In the first stage, we work on understanding what happens between you. This stage can bring initial relief, for different reasons. You finally found a therapist and feel heard. You start putting words to your experience, and your partner becomes clearer. It can also feel hard, which means that we are on the right track – looking at the blocks that make you stuck. If everything feels cruisy, then I am not helping you in the difficult places where you most need support. I am here to grind it out with you. The prize for this work is that you start feeling more stable: now you can talk about what actually goes on for you. You are doing better, and we use this refreshing stability to keep going.
You can think of this first stage as stabilising a patient before surgery. The doctor makes sure the vital organs and immune system are strong enough to handle the reparative procedure. In therapy, once you feel more stable, we move into the second stage. Here, we focus on experiences that help create more lasting change. This can mean learning how to share and meet each other’s needs, addressing old wounds, or knowing how to repair after a hard time. You learn to send clear messages about what is happening for you – and to reassure and comfort each other in response. With this deeper healing work, we want you to be able to track what happens between you, and do things differently at home.
This process unfolds at its own pace as we work toward your specific goals. Whatever shape it takes for you, my personal wish is that you can feel at ease when you watch TV together, comfort when you hug each other, and a strong sense that life flows and you two are in the same boat.
