Shutting down during conflict can be a way of protecting ourselves when emotions feel too intense, confusing, or hard to express.
How the Pattern Gets Started
In the important relationships we have as children and adults, we learn how to have safe and flexible connections. In an ideal world, I can feel what I am feeling, share it directly and clearly with you, you can take it in and send a message back. We can share ourselves without second-guessing, and it is welcome. We can give love and receive it.
When the conditions of our relationships don’t make this exchange so straightforward, our smart brains and bodies come up with the next-best strategy. If sharing directly isn’t available, we start relying on fall-back tools. Sometimes we activate and highlight what is going on, to make sure our message lands. Other times, it’s better to keep things to ourselves and stay small as we carefully walk on eggshells. Both approaches can be very reasonable given the circumstances. In this article, let’s explore the response of shutting down.