The term attachment has become more common. Articles on the Internet remind us that there are different types, including the aspirationally sounding secure attachment. But what does it actually mean to be securely attached?

What is Secure Attachment?

Some people are clear on what secure attachment is and that they are enjoying it or would like more of it in their lives. For others the term might raise an eyebrow as it understandably sounds too close to excessive dependence – attached as in clinging to someone (which is not what secure attachment is going for). Another misinterpretation might be that if I’m securely attached, I am not affected by what others think of me, and I can stoically face anything by myself (also not the point).

Secure attachment is both safety and flexibility. The ability to rely on myself AND reach out to others, depending on the situation. It is an experience of trusting that it’s OK for me to have different emotions (be it happy, sad, scared, confused). It also involves trusting that I can take these emotions to other people and something good can come out of it. The world becomes more of a place where I can be myself. And this makes it possible for me to be braver, venture out, try new things and grow. One way of thinking about it is looking at the three main traits of secure attachment.

Can I let myself be?

First, I notice that something is happening in me. Maybe I am worried or angry or I don’t know what my emotion is. Or maybe I am excited and hopeful about something. What secure attachment lets me do here is to not have to shy away from that experience, because that is what is happening in the moment.

Let’s take confusion as an example: I notice I am confused. I don’t have to immediately scramble for answers, because it’s okay to be confused. I know I get confused sometimes and I don’t have to shoo it away. I can use it as feedback, as valuable data that is coming back to me about me or the situation in the moment. As I stay with my confusion, it might become clearer but regardless I am not hijacked by the threat that being confused just proves that I am a horrible person or that I am failing others. There is more time for me to be me in that moment and I don’t need to rush to immediately change it.

Can I share my experience?

Next, as I can be open with myself about what is going on for me, I can also be open with the world, if I want to. Sure, not everything is to be shared with everyone at all times. But if I am OK with being worried or confused or hopeful, it also becomes more OK for others to see that in me. I don’t have to show others a different version of myself than the one that is currently happening.

If we go back to the example of confusion, secure attachment makes it more possible to know that it’s fine if someone notices that I am confused right now. Or I can tell someone: I am really confused right now and I think this is why it’s happening (or I don’t know why it’s happening). I can trust that when I share I will feel better, I won’t have to scramble to conceal what is going on for me, the other person doesn’t have to be deciphering or misinterpreting me.

Secure attachment lets us live in a world where I can be human and revealing my experience becomes an option that I can choose. These can be Big Sharing Moments or simply saying: Oh, I got quite confused right now when you were talking. All in all, it becomes much more okay to know and say what is real for me.

Can I take in others' reaction?

Then, after we share or let ourselves be seen, comes the point when we sense what others’ reaction to that is. The question becomes whether we can take in what is coming back and use it as more information about our experience.

Perhaps I shared my confusion and the other person can feel empathy or relief (Oh yes, that happens to me too, I am glad I’m not the only one.) They might be reassuring us or beam back a little moment of safety (Don’t worry about being confused, I’ve got you.) Secure attachment lets us take in that the other person saw a bit of us and that was a good thing. We can take in the message that they’ve got our backs or that everything is fine. We can take in positive messages without blocking them. We can let ourselves be loved.

It might also happen that we share something about ourselves and the reaction we get back is not what we hoped for. Secure attachment makes it possible to take that in as data that isn’t life-shattering. We can let it show us what is it that we need or hope for. We can let it shine a light on what might be happening for the other person. We might catch it and inspect whether we misunderstood each other. Either way, people’s reactions to us are just more information that helps us know more about ourselves and them.

Safety, Flexibility, Options

A dog seeing himself in multiple mirrors and looking calm, symbolizing secure attachment.

So what does it boil down to? In the world of secure attachment, I can have an experience and stay with it. Seeing myself and seeing others isn’t overwhelming, it’s just friendly data for me to use. I can feel my emotions as something that gives me information about me and the world, and sharing them is an option. Other people can have an experience of what I shared and good can come out of it. Or I can pivot if I need to without being de-stabilized.

I can let myself be me, share it and receive people’s reaction to it. And at its most valuable core, I can feel love, give love and take it in. 

Text by Veronika Zahradnickova (03/08/2026)
Resources: Dr Sue Johnson on the impact of secure attachment

If you too would like to experience more secure attachment, I am happy to support you in Emotionally Focused Therapy sessions in Melbourne and online. Feel free to get in touch with any questions you might have.